Survival Mode

"I always believed in futures...I hope for better in November."

So occasionally when I'm bored at the Internet cafe I browse my other PC buddies blogs, some of which are linked on the right. I think this entry by my friend Cessie so perfectly describes what being here can be like that I wanted to link it directly: http://cessieintanzania.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/homesick/
So yeah, I totally empathize with what she's talking about there. I think many things in this country come down to the problem of "Survival Mode." Most Tanzanians, definitely most of my villagers, are so poor that each day is a struggle for survival...getting water, putting food on the table and keeping a roof (and often not a very good one) over their heads are difficult enough tasks that they consume everyone's time, energy, and thinking. Lack of electricity, water, good roads and all that make everyday tasks take up much more time than they do in the western world. So basically, very few Tanzanians are ever encouraged to have goals, plans, dreams for the future. Most of them don't think further ahead than the next day. And who can blame them, because the life expectancy is so short here, and every day they do more hard work than most Americans just to SURVIVE. But how do you get people to realize the importance of making plans and having dreams? Ni shida kubwa (It's a big problem.)

On the other hand, I have realized I have also been living in a kind of "Survival Mode" since getting to site. Not in the same way as Tanzanians because my life is definitely not as hard as theirs since I have enough money to live decently here and don't have to do hard physical labor on a farm all day. But these first few months at site I have been focused mostly on just survival. Mainly this is a mental thing. I got used to no electricity and bucket baths during training, and I can deal with the bugs and I like cooking for myself. But being the only outsider in a tiny village and trying to fit in with a completely different culture, make friends in a new language, trying to make people understand what I'm even doing there, trying to decide for myself what I'm going to do there, and at the same time dealing with homesickness and loneliness has been what is hard to survive. Some days in my village I've wanted to go home so much I don't think I can deal with it anymore. And some days in my village are great. Most are in between. But for the last few months I have been basically just trying to get through the days and make the time pass...whether that means I have a productive day or whether I need a day where I just read a book and make myself some brownies and ignore all the kids at my door. And of course there have been many "mental health" excursions to town. Basically, I've been getting through it. But I think that I'm finally coming to the point where I'm sick of survival mode. When I think about the big picture and get myself out of the day-to-day mindset I realize that being here is pretty awesome. Of course it's challenging, but two years in perspective is not a long time. And I get to spend it in a beautiful country, speaking a language hardly anyone in the west ever learns, and being welcomed with open arms into a village of amazing people who will appreciate anything I can do so much. So it's time to give myself an attitude adjustment and start seeing the positives more. I'm in freakin' Tanzania, in Peace Corps, getting opportunities to do so much amazing work and see the world. It's pretty amazing. So from now on it's time to get down to business, get my projects started, get out of my house and start enjoying every day, whether I'm in my village or not.